


What am I thinking, what does this mean? (How could somebody ever love me?)

by anishahello



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: But she isn't the best either, Daddy Issues, Dark Son Gohan, Gen, Other, Post-Cell Games Saga, a month after the cell games, chi-chi isn't the bad guy, does having daddy issues make you more prone to murder, felt like this story needed the tag, gohan don't like his dad, goten isn't here sorry, making twelve year old me proud, murder might happen, read to find out, this for you, this is for all of my peeps who were also mad at goku, who knows - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22354114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anishahello/pseuds/anishahello
Summary: title from Halsey song lyrics (Song: Forever... (is a long time.))I'm doing younger me justice and writing a story that I wrote plenty of times over again. If you've been reading DBZ fanfics for as long as I have, you already know where I'm going with this. Gohan is upset that his father didn't want to come back, and is struggling to get a hold on those feelings.so yes, this is proof I can write for something that's not my hero lolHe is also unsure of what he wants to be, his parents' wishes aside. So, what does a smart nine year old do when his aloof dad doesn't want to come back and his strict mother wants him to do nothing but study?That's something Gohan is trying to figure out.
Relationships: nothing outside of canon yet
Kudos: 2





	What am I thinking, what does this mean? (How could somebody ever love me?)

**Author's Note:**

> I am incredibly rusty writing DBZ characters, so keep this in mind but due to this but please expect Gohan to be a little out of character here
> 
> after I wrote the chapter: oh Gohan is so out of character beware

Being a scholar used to be Gohan's number one life goal, but after his father didn't want to come back after sacrificing himself for Cell,

Gohan was beginning to re-consider what he wanted to do with his life, but it didn't give him any more motivation to be a fighter like his dad.

It put Gohan on a weird crossroads, and made him start to re-consider what kind of person he wanted to be in general, his future out of the equation. 

It also made Gohan remember that he wrote notes observing the people around him, in the moments that his mother wanted him to study even though he had no work.

At first Gohan was a little alarmed that he looked that deeply into the people around him, his mom and dad getting the most notes for obvious reasons, but,

Thanks to these notes, Gohan came to a realization about his own father, the first person in his life he looked up to.

It made him realize there isn't something his father cares about more than battle now, because yes, there was a time family mattered a lot to Goku.

It wasn't until enemies started showing up using a name he didn't grow up with did Goku start wanting to get stronger.

Sure, at first, it was born out of the need to be strong enough to protect those around him, but that was in the beginning. 

Now that Gohan has proven himself to be stronger than him, it becomes the only time Goku doesn't want to come back home?

Using an excuse that didn't even really hold water to Gohan?

Gohan's never considered his father to be a coward, and he doesn't think he ever will.

At the same time, he's never gotten the time to know his father outside the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, and stories from others.

Stories surrounded by bias that Son Goku can do no wrong, that there can't be a flaw with the man other than not being the smartest of the group.

All of these thoughts brewed in Gohan because he couldn't even mention training without his mother going on another rant so,

Gohan was essentially under house arrest. Couldn't even study outside without his mother thinking he was going to go sneak and train with Piccolo.

So, he has a lot of time on his hands to think about what kind of person Son Gohan is going to be in the future, or,

_If he's going to keep that name at all._

When did Gohan even begin to consider changing his name, it started when he started wondering where he was in the grand scheme of things.

In the huge mess that was his father's life before he made the choice to not come back to Earth when he had the chance to.

Son Gohan was always the strongest, but never wanted to fight.

Son Gohan would rather study than hone his natural skills and get stronger.

Son Gohan gained the inability to kill enemies, even though that lead to the death of Son Goku, in one way or another.

Son Gohan was a name that meant untapped potential, and that's all anyone will ever think of when the name is mentioned.

At least, to everyone but his mother.

To his mother? Son Gohan was the sweet boy that everyone is trying to ruin his future by turning him into some, "barbarian." 

It made Gohan really wonder if he was just either the person everyone needed to save, or the person who just had to save the day.

That if he didn't walk the path of his father, Gohan would have to walk the path his mother was paving.

There were no other options. No one that would want to help him that saw him and didn't see his father, Piccolo included.

It also didn't help that he was given an exact copy of his dad's outfit, and if he wasn't wearing that, he wore what Piccolo gifted him.

Nothing he wore was specifically his, not even the Sayian outfit. 

In that moment, Gohan made a realization that probably hurt deeper than losing his father, again.

Nothing about Son Gohan felt original. 

Studying came from his mother, fighting came from his father, clothes came from everyone around him. 

It was as if everyone around him was aware that he was a blank canvas.

Hell, Piccolo was up front about it training him for the Sayian Invasion, saying he needed to be whipped into shape.

So, in short, Son Gohan was whoever the people around him wanted, but that wasn't what Gohan wanted for himself anymore.

Gohan wanted people to look at him and not just see his father, or even a future scholar. 

Gohan wanted, no, _needed_ a fresh start, but didn't like where his mind went to get one, so he decided one step at a time before,

He got carried away.

The first step to turning into a new person was, new clothes. This step was going to be easy thanks to one person,

The Ox King.

Over time, his grandfather has given him expensive clothing that he used to not wear because he always liked wearing a Gi, like his dad.

_Gohan felt himself cringing at the memories of just how much he wanted to be like the people around him. He made it easy._

Right before Gohan could look through the clothes sitting in the back of his closet,

"Gohan, finished with your homework already, or are you being lazy?!" Gohan loves his mother, has always admired her, all throughout his life.

But, there was something he could never understand about her, even though she's given him an answer over and over again.

Why him studying really mattered to her this much. Why Son Gohan needed to be some impressive scholar was so important to her,

"I got my work done early, I, you can check it." Gohan knew if he finished too early, his mom wanted to check and see if he got everything right.

If he didn't? Gohan had to do absolutely everything over again. No questions.

In a moment that made Gohan realize just how controlled he was being, Chi-Chi said something he didn't expect or want her to,

"I, I don't need to check it, I know you're smart. Both of us have been taking your father's death hard, but I am glad to see that you're still working hard."

Gohan couldn't give two shits about his father dying, the only thing that mattered was that the idiot didn't want to come back.

But his mother wouldn't acknowledge that, she's too busy caring about him being the youngest genius in Japan, earning plenty of money.

"I, I wouldn't let anything stand in my way of my dream, ma. I've wanted to be a scholar since I was a kid."

The fact that his mother lit up with some sense of pride made Gohan feel sick. 

She ate up that lie so fast, Gohan was almost certain she was acting and saw through his lie.

"And I'm so proud of you for it. I'm going to go out for some things in the city, so you're going to be home alone. Do you need anything?"

Gohan was almost tempted to just be outright and say a new name, but decided to just shake his head.

No use getting ahead of himself this early in the game.

So, a hug and a kiss on the forehead was given, and then, Gohan was home alone, left to his thoughts once again.

That was until there was a knock on the door, and Gohan felt confused for multiple reasons.

The first one being they were in the middle of nowhere, it wasn't like they lived around anyone.

Second, his mom couldn't be home that soon, when she goes alone shopping it's usually an entire day thing.

She doesn't come home with much, but she always looks a lot happier. 

Sensing it wasn't a strong or familiar Ki signal, Gohan decided he'd be on guard. 

When Gohan opened the door, he saw a disheveled man in camping gear, looking like he had to run away from a few dinosaurs.

"H-hey, you look like that Goku guy from the World Tournaments?! What are you, his kid or something? Damn, that must be so cool," 

Gohan stopped listening, no longer invested. 

A complete stranger was able to write Gohan off as just the Son of Goku.

A human with no ties or any significance, someone who's never even met his dad in person.

Thinking it's cool to have a father like Son Goku just because, _he's strong._

"Don't come any closer." The man had gotten closer, like he deserved to stand in his house. 

_As if recognizing his father was his one way ticket into getting a roof over his head._

The man looked confused, and a little frustrated, acting like Gohan wasn't livid. 

"Look, Goku's kid," another slap in the face, "I've been hiking for a while, weren't ya listening? I'd like a place to crash, I mean, I've got money,"

Money was then waved in Gohan's face, and as if Gohan flinching was a yes, he tried to enter again.

As if sensing Gohan would stop him, the stranger tried to put Gohan out of the way his hand, but,

Gohan grabbed the stranger's wrist, and in a move of pure anger, he just,

_Yanked the man inside on accident when he yanked the guy's arm off, and instead of being scared or disgusted, all Gohan thought was,_

**It's going to be easier to clean the blood of the floor, it's good none of it got on the grass.**

Right before the man could start screaming, _possibly alerting the ever vigilant Piccolo,_ Gohan acted.

A light kick to the head was all it took to break the guy's neck, and then he proceeded to first, close his door.

Second? _Gohan proceeded to cut the guy's head off, making damn sure he was dead._

Sure, it resulted in a lot of blood, and a body that was harder to take care of but, there was only one thing on Gohan's mind.

_Killing anyone who came close to their house wasn't even something Vegeta did._

This was all his, and he even figured out a new name.

Sure, if someone thought deeply into it, the name would be cheesy but, 

Gohan knew no one other than his mother would think that deep into the name Anubis. 

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me in the comments how ya'll like Anubis as Gohan's new name
> 
> or, if you like Gohan's new approach to life
> 
> or if you want me to write King Kai's reaction
> 
> just talk to me in the comments


End file.
